ight Houseight Houseby Karen Swank
When I got up this morning, the day attempted to pull its usual trick on me, pouring down a "to-do" list and trying to make me too busy for time alone with my Lord. For me, Saturday is the day that absorbs all of the week's overflow...a (usually) long list of stuff I didn't keep up with all week long....and things I just simply don't have time for during the week, like grocery shopping.....and things I lack the focus for during the week, like bill-paying and paperwork....I hadn't been up 5 minutes when the list started pressing in on me. You can't afford the luxury of quiet time, it insisted. And I could feel myself giving in to it, working on a mental schedule of attack, collecting up the things that needed my attention so desperately.
In the midst of all the busyness, God touched my heart gently, drawing out a longing so deep it could not be ignored. Listen to the song you woke up to. Mentally I stepped back to the minutes before I got out of bed and the "to-do" list started clanging. What was there? Soft pillows, warm, heavy covers, the unexpected treat of waking to sunlight, and on the radio...
...the train of His robe fills the temple with glory
and the whole earth is filled
and the whole earth is filled
and the whole earth is filled
with His glory
Holy, Holy, Holy, Holy, Holy is the LordI remember the absolute peace in that still place and the joy so intense....it crossed the boundary of idea and washed over me as a physical thing....the bump of my heart, relaxation sweeping from head to toe and at the same time a shivering tingling that drew a smile before my eyes were even open. A delicious moment as my body is still and quiet and not yet fully awake, my mind is clear and uncluttered, and my heart is so full I can hardly bear it. Oh, that I could reach consciousness in this state every morning before the dash begins!
And yet I have nearly squandered it, staying there only a little while and then rolling out of bed, feeling somehow that I would be irresponsible if I luxuriated too long there. I remember these things as I sit at my computer, preparing to be busy, and the longing draws me away. I put down my work, gather up my Bible, turn on some prayer music, wrap up in blankets and shut off the world. And finally I am where I belong, at the feet of my Lord, with no agenda but to tell Him how very much I love Him.
It begins as it always begins for me...
Lord, I don't understand.
I look at You and I try so hard to grasp all that You are. You are God, who was and is and always will be. You were here before anything was and You can see beyond the end of time as I can understand it. You aren't trapped in the confines of time or space. You spoke a whole world into being. Spoke it! You dreamed up deserts and oceans and jungles and an array of life to populate them that we will never fully know. You make snowflakes and people in infinite and unrepeated variety. You set all of life into motion, orchestrated in perfection that is both delicate and powerful. These things, even of themselves, I don't understand.And in the midst of all of creation, across the entire span of time, among what must be the cacophony of billions and billions of voices and events and lives, You know me. You know me! How is this possible? You know my thoughts and actions and every corner of my heart. I think if I live to be 110 years old and if I ponder this thing every hour from now until then, I will never come to understand this miracle....You know me.
You are Almighty God, maker of heaven and earth, and at the same time, You know me, You hear me, You speak to me, You love me. I reach for understanding and I am undone....a tiny heap on an ordinary floor in a place of no real importance, lost in tears of unsurpassed wonder, wondering one more time how it is that this mortal body holds within it Your Holy Spirit and neither withers nor explodes from Your very nearness.
My tears are from awe...how can this be so?
My tears are from joy...You hand me treasure beyond all wildest hope or imagination.
My tears are from sorrow...I am so completely unworthy.I don't understand. I say it over and over, incredulous and grateful, laughing and crying, humbled and overwhelmed with this thing we try to saddle with the simple name of love. Tears and whispers and singing and laughter and tears. And after awhile I really am still, reveling in His presence as much as any child has reveled in his parent's arms, or any lover has reveled in the nearness of her beloved. Not thinking or meditating or doing at all, simply being. In His presence. Time disappears. This is what we are created for. Why do we make it so hard?
After a time, a ripple breaks the stillness . I am not ready to return to the world....I reach for my Bible...talk to me, Daddy. He takes me to Nehemiah 9 and reminds me...this is who I am. I read about people just like me...stubborn and disobedient and willful and thick-headed, receiving their blessings with ungrateful hearts, noticing not the multitude of gifts but rather the perceived shortcomings. Turning away again and again, defying with their actions what they know in their hearts. And in the face of it all, God is still God...
...our God, the great, the mighty, and the terrible God.....(Nehemiah 9:32)
Does that make you shiver like it does me?
...Thou art a God ready to pardon, gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and forsookest them not. (Nehemiah 9:17)
I don't understand. I do not believe that I WILL understand, this side of heaven. It's too deep, too big, too wild to be grasped...the love of One who is Almighty and Holy and yet still loves me enough to make a way where there was no way...the doorway that is Jesus Christ...the worthy sacrifice given willingly for one so completely unworthy.
I don't understand. Praise His name! The train of His robe fills the temple that is my heart.one lovesick fool,
karen
Karen Swank
http://www.heartmindandpoems.com/
"As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." Joshua 24:15
"Almighty God" courtsey of "Wings of Faith"
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